I've always had this fear, which I suppose comes from the fact that I'm not very crafty or much of a cook, that I won't be a very good mother.
This fear has come in waves over the years. The summer after I worked at a daycare, loved it, and almost changed my major to El Ed, I knew I was meant to be a mom. But the time I went to a family bbq with the guy I was dating at the time and tried to hold one of the babies, who then proceeded to scream his head off, I was terrified for the sake of my future kiddies.
But in the past year and a half (being a normal returned missionary I suppose) I've felt this urge to just settle down. I chalked it up to mostly baby hunger (a disease which most girls at BYU become afflicted with at one point or another).
I think this time though, it's different.
Last week, Lindsay and I met up with one of her friends at the Freedom Days Street Fair downtown. He had his little cousin with him, and I was enchanted. Here was this little person with boundless amounts of energy, who seemed like he would never tire of playing catch...ever, and who had the most adorable smile. And for the first time I wanted to hang out with the kid more than the adults.
There was one point where we stopped by a reptile show, and I wanted the little guy to see better. So I just scooped him up, set him on my hip, and inched my way toward the front of the crowd. In the moment it seemed perfectly natural. I just did it.
There's something about seeing something you've experienced a thousand times before through the eyes of a child that's indescribable. If there are any words that could come close, I would say magic is the nearest.
Of course I'm not a mom yet, but I've heard that it's those moments that make it infinitely worth it.
Later when we lit off some fireworks and again, I hung around the kid more than the adults, Lindsay's friend asked me, "So you really want to be a mom huh?"
It wasn't accusatory, but an observation. A surprising one since I've never categorized myself as "one of those girls." And even earlier that night I'd talked about being a professor.
But the answer that spouted from my lips was immediate, without thought or hesitation. "Well, yeah. Of course."
There are a lot of things I want for the future. Ironically, becoming a professor seems the most easily grasped pipe dream these days.
But so much more than anything else, I want to be a mom. I want babies set on my akimbo hips, tiny hands slipping around my index finger, fat thighs and toothless grins. I want make-believe circuses set up in the backyard, puppet shows, and bedtime stories.
I'm not saying right now. I'm just saying that's what I want.