Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Pain and Progression

Today and yesterday morning I got out of bed, and I got ready for school.


Pain has become something I've been so accustomed to living with the past year and a half. It's been so constant I've become numb to it. Physically and emotionally. I've just woken up every day and kept going because there is no other choice. You just keep going and you find happiness in other things: knowledge, friends, family... the sunshine.

Through the pain I learned humility. I learned gratitude. I learned the sacred nature of our bodies and what I should do with that knowledge. I've learned to become ok with the fact that my hip, and subsequently my life, will never be what I wanted it to be.

But when I hopped out of the shower yesterday and realized that my hip didn't hurt, I almost broke down into tears of joy right there.

A year ago I could barely walk. I was being sent home from the only place I wanted to be. I used to have to take breaks and sit down when I was getting ready in the mornings because the pain was too much.

But, oh how different the story was this morning. I plodded along slowly to school. Boots still make my hip hurt. But it was less, and it was different than the past. I felt like I was floating I was so happy.

Progression comes and goes in waves for me. Especially this past year and a half. Most of the past year and a half I was able to progress through the physical pain. It certainly defined me, but it didn't control me. But then there were times where I let the physical and emotional pain stagnate me.

Stagnation vs. Progression.
Inaction vs. Action.

I think the biggest challenge and hardest lesson to learn in mortality is: "Will I choose to act, or will I be acted upon?"

Progression and agency are the most beautiful concepts. And though it takes perspective, I think pain is a beautiful concept as well. Because through pain we make choices, and we can progress much further as people than we ever dreamed of being.

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