Monday, February 11, 2013

Giving up Self-Doubt

Last Friday I walked to school struggling to fight against that awful demon of self-doubt that reared it's ugly head within myself once again.

"Come on Rebekah. Can't you get your life together enough to make it to work on time? 15 minutes late again? Really?"

I struggled back against that voice. "Wait a second," I said. "I got straight A's last semester. I'm interning at the MoA. I wake up at 6:30 every morning and I don't get a break until five most days. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. Can't you just cut me a break? Life is hard post-mission, I'm still trying to figure out who I am."

And then a voice that was neither the voice of self-doubt, or the feeble voice that will try to talk back to that self-doubt pipped in out of no where.

"You know who you are." 

And it's true. I do know who I am. With logic and reasoning, I can see that I have my life together. I can make a list of my accomplishments and not only do they seem worthy and good, but I love what I do. I walk away from classes and internship feeling blessed beyond measure that I'm passionate about what I do, and I'm not half-bad at it either.

I realized the other day that the only person who's every told me that my dream of grad school never happening is myself.


Yesterday when I was catching up on my usual round of blog reading, I read this entry. I'm not Catholic, and I don't know much about lent, but it's my understanding that you usually give up something that's difficult to part with, difficult to sacrifice. Like chocolate. Don't people often give up chocolate for lent? Self-doubt shouldn't be difficult to sacrifice. But it is. I realized today that it's a crutch most people lean on that ends up holding them back from what we really want and what's good for us.

I'm still probably not going to observe lent, but I will give up self-doubt.

Starting today. Right now. I vow to make myself more vulnerable for the greater good.

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