On Hope

I spent the last hour or so going over some things I had written years ago. And like I often do these days, I lamented the old me. But instead of moping, I decided to do something about it. I decided to sit at the keyboard and write; to transcribe thoughts into words and sentences as I listen to the familiar clatter of the keys beneath my finger tips. I don't know if there's any more productive and comforting sound for a writer than the tapping of keys.

I don't know what happened to make me stop writing. But I did, and I'm so out of practice that I'm not sure if I can even call myself a writer anymore.

But back to these thoughts that need transcribing. One of my Korean friends is leaving for the army tomorrow and I'm unreasonably upset about it. It took me a little while to figure out why, but I think the reason is I know he's the first of many goodbyes I'll be saying over the next few months. The contract for my job ends in February. I've thought about extending. And I likely will, but the past eight months have flown by so fast, I feel like I'm already clenching tightly to the figurative sands of time in my fists, but it's slipping away without my being able to help it. And the tighter I clench, the more quickly it slips away.

I think the reason time is passing so quickly is because I've figured out what I want to do next. But I'm scared that it's such a far-fetched idea that I won't be able to accomplish it. I'm so afraid of failing. I don't even want to jinx it by talking about it out loud. So this idea about my future, this place I want to move to next, I've only mentioned it to a couple close friends. Except for last night when I finally talked about it in a more casual conversation. And for the first time I thought, "Hey, maybe I can do this. Maybe I can take the GRE in a month, apply for grad school, and get into the university I've thought about almost every hour for the past two weeks.... Maybe I can start writing again. Maybe I'll feel inspired again."

I don't know if it will happen, this crazy dream of mine that seems so impossible. But as I transcribe these thoughts into words and sentences, I've realized why the sound of keys tapping sounds so comforting to me; it's the sound of hope.