Sunday, May 5, 2013

"a letter to the man who'll one day make me an honest woman"

There's this blog I like to read. Occasionally, the author will write letters to her future husband. She often titles them "to the man that will make me an honest woman."

I thought about that phrase as I was walking home from school the other day. What does it mean exactly? I mean, I know what it means... theoretically.

But as I plodded onward, really contemplating honesty in relationships, I realized the truth and goodness of wanting to be with someone who makes you an honest person.

I used to sit up late at night with my room mates, discussing boyfriend issues. Their problems always seemed to settle around communication problems.

And I just never understood. Especially after I dated my first boyfriend. Transparency was everything to us. And it seemed to be the character trait that he loved and valued above everything else.

"I love you because you're honest," he would say. "You don't play games." 

And it was true. I didn't. 

But since I've grown older and dated more, I realized what the games and lack of honesty boil down to: defense.

Fear of rejection from someone you care about is a huge motivation to hide the truth about yourself. And for me, my vulnerability has become the hardest thing for me to give up in a relationship.

So, to the man that will someday make me an honest woman, 

thank you. 

Thank you for being someone I can trust. It's not easy to make myself vulnerable after some of the things I've been through. It's not easy to feel adequate or valued enough to reveal the "real me". But somehow, you proved yourself. And for that I can sacrifice whatever you need me to.


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