Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My thoughts on love

In my 21 years, I've held hands with four boys, kissed three, been in love twice, and thought I was going to get married once.

And for the first time during a Provo summer, I'm a single woman.

The environment at BYU tends to breed the idea that if you're single, you should be worried.

So I do worry sometimes; like we all do. I bite my nails and bemoan the fact that I will probably never get married.

Sometimes I think the person who first said "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is full of crap. I would say loving someone, and then losing them, can only beat down your faith in love altogether. And then you're just left with a cynical shell of the person you used to be.

Yesterday I saw something I hadn't seen in a long time. Something I've tried very hard to forget about. Something that didn't necessarily cut me the deepest, but has definitely hurt the longest, leaving lasting consequences on the way I see myself. You probably know what I'm talking about. You've known the feeling.

It's worse than seeing Marley's ghost... It's seeing an ex-boyfriend.

It shocked me a little at first to see him, but then it didn't. I talked it out, and realized that he doesn't really control me anymore. And that felt really great. Empowering even.

I mentioned the encounter to a friend last night. I really loved some of the things he had to say.
"You can't end your story here" he said. "That would be like ending Pride & Prejudice right when you find out Wickham is a jerk. Or it's just like Sense & Sensibility. You've just found out Willoughby is a jerk, but don't forget about Colonel Brandon."


I guess what I'm saying is, looking back on everything, the four boys I've held hands with, the three I've kissed, the two I've loved, the one I almost married, I don't regret any of it.

I like where I am right now: preparing for a mission, being single, spending time with my room mates. It's good. Life is beautiful now, and it's convinced me that love is possible again. The beautiful unselfish kind. Although it may not happen for me for a long while, that's ok. I know he'll be worth the wait. I know he'll be the man that will make me want to be a better person just by knowing him, who will always leave me notes, and who will laugh and learn with me. That's what I'm waiting for.

"Pure love yields happiness and engenders trust. It is the foundation of eternal joy....Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good."
Elder Richard G. Scott (via)


Alison Kae Hatch said...

That's really beautiful Bex. I love it. And I'm glad that experience has turned out well for you. Love you!

Kelli said...

I like this a lot. :) And I totally know how you feel.
I'm glad that you were okay after seeing your ex, too. I ran into my ex earlier this week and realized that I didn't feel weird about seeing him. It was a wonderful feeling.