Monday, May 9, 2011

One of my Biggest Fears

I am terrified of being overweight again.

There it is. I finally said it.

The combination of finals, hormones, and the party-like summer atmosphere around here has made my jeans more tight than I'd really like to say. The compulsive eating is going to stop here though.

For people who've never been overweight, I think it's hard for them to understand what it must feel like, why I'm so scared of it.

There's so many social and physical limitations.
There's a reason I didn't have my first date until my sophomore year of college. I was fat. No side stepping around that fact. Being overweight immediately eliminates you as an interest to any boy, unless they're in the market for the sister-type friend. I hated that. I was always conscious of the way I looked when I sat or stood. My arms were always folded firmly across my middle. I was completely crippled by the fear of what I looked like to other people.

And then there's the physical limitations. It's almost shocking to think about the things that made me winded my freshman year of college. I would refuse to take the stairs anywhere. Now I'll do it in leaps and bounds. Simple hikes were monumental treks. There must have been so many things I missed that I never knew about because I was so out of shape.

But, since I've grown out of my ugly duckling stage (as I like to call it) I've noticed how people treat me differently. And I hate that too. I almost feel more fixated on my appearance now than I ever did even a year ago. Especially with guys. I'm worried it might be a little bit of a hang up for me. I love fashion, and make up. I love getting all dressed up. That is fun for me. But I always wonder if certain boys would talk to me if they knew what I looked like 3 years ago. Some of them probably wouldn't. And that makes me angry. For the same reasons I refuse to wear my glasses (even though it makes me nauseous) when boys tell me how good I look in them.

I am the same person I've always been. Don't they get it?

We are more than just our bodies. I just wish we didn't treat each other like that's all that mattered.


Casey Stephens said...

I'm Casey and I approve this message!

mcallister said...

I love this post and the fact that it is so honest and personal. I write really personal posts all the time. But I never post them. I'm proud to know you.

Lindsey and Jared said...

Oh Rebekah! You are and have always been beautiful: inside and out. Instead of looking at the weight loss as a way to be more attractive, just remind yourself it is to be healthy. That takes the cynicism out of it. Oh and if you need your glasses..WEAR THEM. If they make you look sexy, then that's just a bonus. Don't NOT wear them just to be a contrarian ;) I heart you and will stop lecturing!